Finding my way back to Humility ...

I find myself withdrawing from Life a lot. I have the capacity to engage, to focus with intent, to honour with purpose and to connect in community; but lately, I have lacked a desire to do so.

I spoke about this with an online friend of mine last week. (Her name is Annie - she shares her thoughts, opinions and feelings about life in general here ~ and her honesty and word mastery is enviable.) Part of the conversation focused on the grumpiness we were feeling about trends we're seeing in Social Media. Most of the 'grump' was mine ~ but Annie could certainly relate to what I was saying and has, at times, felt the same.

At root, for me, is a stream of Self Absorption that runs through just about everything. Apathy, too, gloops about in abundance - an inability or unwillingness to critically think, to focus, to engage and to contribute with significance in meaningful ways.

I did acknowledge that this could all be the hormones speaking. One of the Gifts of Menopause, I think, is the increasing inability to tolerate stupidity, insignificance, egocentric drivel and lazy effort. At least, that's been my gift -- though not knowing exactly what to DO with this gift, it still feels much like a curse. Life was easier when Accepting came so easily to me.

At the end of the day though ~ I am judging what I see taking place all around me and not really doing too much to change things. Where would I even begin? 

I did joke about launching a Wake Up Revolution ~ but from my experience with many in my off-line life - there's a happiness with the way things are and the way things appear to be going and the consensus seems to be that 'I think too much' and 'need to lighten up' because 'I take things way too seriously.'

It's lonely though. The sense of isolation, the desire to see things differently, the need to respond to Life in new ways, the yearning to infuse purpose into most everything I do and to respect my Self for the personal responsibility I bring to each interaction, circumstance and event in my life ~ all of that, and the feeling that I'm doing that alone, is hard.

So, here's what I think I'll do, for now ...

I'm going to find my way back to places that honour me, feelings I'd like to experience, values and qualities I hold as sacred. I will open my heart to the possibility that maybe everything I believe to be true about things that really matter to me - maybe there's the possibility that my thinking is flawed, my beliefs are founded on something other than truth - and I'm willingly and actively exploring this possibility with an open mind and a desire to re-assess, recalibrate and make informed choices as a result of what I learn.

I'm embracing What If? What if I'm not alone in feeling lost and adrift at times where transition is desirable.? What if I'm not the only one who wishes that there was less lip service to working towards what really matters and more action to get us there? What if others would like to see a shift in the way we currently live our lives - and perhaps share a desire to actively engage in that shift, and maybe we'll even connect and synergize and be the change we'd each like to see and experience? 

What if?

This week, I'm beginning with Humility.

"Humility ... gives us a connection with everything older than we are and so, provides us with a calming perspective outside of our daily worries, and often beyond our understanding.

... How we all climb through the trials of our outer life to the precipice of humility and indwell there on the edge of mystery. How we climb through our suffering to a place where we can carve out a tiny home from which to dizzy ourselves with the knowledge that we are small and the Universe is big.  

... There, on the inner cliffs where humbled creatures meet to see what can't be seen and know what can't be known, we spread our arms like hawks to taste the ancient air. We spread our minds like trees rooted on the edge to accept the end of knowledge arriving like sun, not to instruct us but to warm us and help us grow." (p. 266, The Book of Awakening by Mark Nepo) 

It is important for me to be Humble. Gratitude flows more easily. Miracles begin reappearing all around me. Wonder and reverence is experienced in the most ordinary of moments. This is a good starting place for me. Somewhere I feel a real interest in showing up. 

If this is a passage you're undertaking right now - at any stage or in any way, shape or form ~ let me know. It would be nice to have friends to check in with from time to time.

I'M ON MY WAY ...

I love to read. One of the things that helps me determine whether or not I'm reading a good book is if I can 'see' myself in it somewhere. Perhaps in the main character - or reflected in that character's friends, family members or somewhere in the greater community.

If I want to be the person I'm reading about, or I'd love to know that person, for whatever reason ~ I love the book. If I'm inspired by the character(s), the qualities they bring to life, the challenges they face and either work through, or don't ~ I'm grateful for participating in the experience.

More than ten years ago, I read a book called The Pull of the Moon by Elizabeth Berg. Briefly, it's about a woman named Nan who just turned fifty, and is dealing with how it feels to be an aging woman in this culture. She is very much focused on all she is losing. She decides to just leave on a driving trip, and the novel alternates between entries she makes in a journal and letters to her husband, Martin. By the end of the book, she has switched her focus from all she's losing to all she actually has.

There's a passage in this book that I return to every now and then ~ as not only do I sometimes feel this way myself - but I'm quite aware that others in my sphere of existence do as well: It's found on page 274 and it reads like this:

And now, in my own stillness, I hear something. 'Where have you been?' my inside body whispers to my outside one. Its sense of outrage is present, but dulled by the grief of abandonment. 'I had ideas. There were things to do. Where did you go?'

What can I answer? Oh, I had some errands to run. I had a few things to do. I needed to get married and have a child and go underground for 25 years, be pleasantly suffocated. I meant to come back. But the bread crumbs got blown away.

So many of us have drifted. Some of us don't really remember who we used to be - and we don't feel completely comfortable with who we're living as now. Or we're caught in transition ~ on the way out of one phase of our lives, knowing that we're to step into the next one - and not entirely sure what that step should be, where it should be placed, for what purpose.

We are questioning what lights us up from the inside out ~ or we're fully aware of what fuels our inner light but we're not sure how to bring that into the reality we're existing in so far.

What if our bread crumbs didn't blow away? What if, when we're ready to look back, clues to who we once were lay waiting for us to decipher - and like scattered bread crumbs, we could pick up the ones that we want to re-integrate into who we now are and allow the others to blow away?

What bread crumbs would you see, the ones you'd want to keep and put in your pocket to remind you who you are? And how might these bread crumbs help you clarify your next step on the path of where you're going, from Here to There?